At the End

My dear son, what can daddy tell, reflect on, pass on...as my 48th year comes to a close. At least tonight with the earth pressing in...I can let my gaze, tired, broken...leap up to the darkened night...its star-filled and in that is great pleasure even to a saddened soul. And to the first-quarter moon beckoning to me...a sight that grant an immense degree of solace. I would love to tell you of the "terrible" events that unfolded today...but cannot leave you to read that years from now. On the contrary I would just pen some lines that show how my heart-strings are tuned to vibrate even as my soul stares at the grim realities of life. One of the vibrations was suicide...daddy didnt want to carry on. Didnt want to see out this year. Tonight is so dark Za baby. Not the outer world Za...that's beautiful. The inner world...dark and brooding. I'm struggling to let my heart be buoyed up by an inextinguishable faith in the ultimate triumph of sanity. Without such faith, all effort is like the fluttering of a caged bird who sees its doom and knows it cannot avoid it. Yes Za, I'm fighting against the "caged bird" feeling which is threatening to take me down. Pessimism implies lack of faith and consequently a loss of energy. Wherever pessimism creeps in insidiously there can be no steady and persistent effort on behalf of any causes worthy of our best aspirations. So Za, I'm passing this message on to you...be an optimist...not in a facile way...for genuine optimism does not shortsightedly ignore the hard and ugly facts of life. It does not seek consolation in any form of escape. It's wrong to walk away...to become a recluse...no matter what keep on doing "things"...for thru work God heals. I have continued to look after you Za...papa is proud of your achievements at school...the teacher is amazed that you are doing so well even with such a HUGE problem that have settled like a dark cloud over your lovely head. Grade 3...and you are getting hundred percent in several subjects. I cry so much for you (my god tears are falling now Za). You know, baby, I read a bit about Moses which I will convert to a brochure...gosh it's stunning the problems he had. haha quite a few brochures have just "happened" as circumstances occurred. Lordy, isn't that so weird? But societal changes take place first and foremost when new ideas are hurled against old standards, shattering them and then rebuilding pillars of divine justice. So tomorrow might dawn with me on 49...what lies in store must be met with a faith in the ultimate goodness of human nature and the consequent belief that life is worth living and striving for. My baby, you're my best inspiration...loving you Daddy.